Years ago, I led a marriage class where we studied the well-known book Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. I highly recommend it not only for married couples but also for anyone seeking a God-focused relationship. The biblical insights Dr. Eggerichs presents helped my wife and me navigate some of the most difficult seasons in our marriage.
One of the most impactful lessons from the book is what he calls “the crazy cycle.” It’s a concept based on both Scripture and research that shows how men, in general, desire respect above all else, while women primarily long to be loved. Men naturally give and receive respect, while love can be harder for them to express. Conversely, women are wired to give and receive love more easily, but respect doesn’t always come as naturally. It’s important to note that this is a generalization and does not reflect the nature of every man and woman, but most.
The cycle looks like this: When a husband feels disrespected, he responds in an unloving way. When a wife feels unloved, she responds with disrespect. And around and around it goes. This can snowball, and the behaviors can become more and more intense.
Scripture provides a powerful antidote:
“However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.” — Ephesians 5:33 (ESV)
God, in His perfect wisdom, knew what each gender would need to hear. He didn’t need to command women to love—that comes naturally. And He didn’t need to command men to respect—they already understand that. He spoke directly to our weaknesses. Love and respect require intention, effort, and often, humility. Marriage is work, but it is good work.
You can find a link to Love and Respect on our Support Our Ministry page if you’d like to explore the full series.
The Inward Crazy Cycle
What struck me long after teaching that class is this: we don’t just get stuck in the crazy cycle with our spouses. We can end up trapped in the exact same pattern with ourselves.
Here’s how it plays out: We mess up. We fail. We fall short. Maybe we say the wrong thing, give in to a temptation, or simply don’t meet our own expectations. Sometimes it’s minor, but sometimes we cross lines we never thought we would—even ones we promised God we’d never cross again.
So the self-talk begins:
- “I’m a failure.”
- “Why do I always do this?”
- “I’ll never change.”
- “God must be tired of me by now.”
And then the outward behaviors follow: We isolate. We self-sabotage. We quit before we can fail again. We speak words like:
- “I’m ugly.”
- “I’m stupid.”
- “I’m fat.”
- “I’m no good.”
When we treat ourselves unlovingly, we begin to disrespect who we are. Our identity becomes shaped not by who God says we are, but by the voice of shame. We spiral further. We sin more. We numb ourselves more. We believe the lies, echo them, and eventually live them.
It’s the crazy cycle, turned inward.
Breaking the Cycle at the Cross
Here’s the good news: the cycle can be broken.
In marriage, the cycle ends when one spouse humbles themselves and chooses to act differently. They extend love or respect unconditionally, mirroring the way God forgives us:
“As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.” — Psalm 103:12 (NIV)
The Cross of Christ does for us what a humble spouse does for their partner: it breaks the cycle.
At the foot of the cross, we don’t hear:
“You’re not enough.” We hear: “It is finished.” — John 19:30
“You are mine.” — Isaiah 43:1
“There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” — Romans 8:1
Jesus doesn’t shame us into change. He loves us into freedom.
He doesn’t say, “Fix your mess and then come to me.” He says:
“Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” — Matthew 11:28
He doesn’t say, “Respect yourself more.” He shows us our value by laying down His life.
A New Cycle Begins
When we embrace who we are in Christ, the cycle starts to shift. We speak to ourselves with grace instead of criticism. We live with purpose instead of punishment. We begin to walk in love—because we believe we are loved.
Instead of “Do before Who,” we learn the truth: “Who before Do.” Our behavior flows from our identity. If we constantly tell ourselves that we are broken, unwanted, or unlovable, we will live like that’s true. But when we declare God’s Word over our lives—that we are redeemed, forgiven, and beloved—we begin to live that truth.
We learn that we are a new creation in Christ:
“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.” — 2 Corinthians 5:17 (ESV)
Instead of battling the same sin over and over, defeated because “that’s just who I am,” we face the temptation with renewed identity. We say:
“I am not that sin. I don’t need that. I am a new creation in Christ Jesus. I am the temple of God, and His temple will not be defiled.”
We learn that our fullness comes from God alone:
“For in Christ all the fullness of the Deity lives in bodily form, and in Christ you have been brought to fullness.” — Colossians 2:9-10 (NIV)
And in that truth, the cycle doesn’t spin out. It heals.
We still stumble. But instead of condemning ourselves, we confess, receive forgiveness, and move forward.
That’s not a crazy cycle. That’s a grace cycle.
Final Thoughts
Maybe you’re caught in the inward crazy cycle right now. Maybe the voice in your head has been louder than the voice of the Holy Spirit. Maybe it’s been filled with shame, defeat, and hopelessness.
Let me remind you today: Jesus stepped in to stop the cycle. Not because you earned it, but because you are His.
“The Lord your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in His love He will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing.” — Zephaniah 3:17
Let that be the voice you hear. Let that be the truth that reshapes your thinking. Let that be the place where your crazy cycle ends—and your grace cycle begins.
When the internal voice tells you that you are not enough, remind that voice: In Christ Jesus, you are worth the life, death, and resurrection of God Himself. God, who knows you more than you know yourself, longs to spend eternity with you. He will never grow weary of you, and He will never stop wanting a deep, personal relationship with you. That’s how valuable you are.
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Thine Alone 
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